Apologies for the delay between posts – I could rattle off excuses, but it would only result in the admission that I’m a bad blogger and a bad person – undeserving of your precocious loyalty. I will also apologise about the superfluous use of ‘wanker words’; I have been watching a lot of Louis Theroux today while listening to smooth jazz for my job and it seems to have put me in the mood.
If you have a complaint about my actions, I implore you to submit it – as that is what this blog is about and would give me additional content to post. But alas – instead, I will appropriate:
If I had a large backyard, I would probably have about a thousand dogs but as my apartment is very small, I cannot have any due to both the Strata agreement and the fact that they would need to be taken for walks every day and I am too lazy for that. There is a park across the road from us but the last time I went there I was offered money to provide a sexual act which was kind of flattering but I declined and told them that I was late for a meeting which was a lie as I think I just played Unreal Tournament the rest of that day.
I did have a goldfish named (posthumously) Stinky who lived in a vase with a plant and when he died I figured it would be nice to leave him there so that his body would break down and fertilise the plant but after a few weeks the smell was so bad I could not enter the apartment without a towel wrapped around my face. My first thought was to take him to work and hide him in my Bosses car but out of respect Seb and I gave him a vikings funeral instead.
*I actually heard someone use that word today… I stared at them dismayed for some time.
The complaint and resulting lulz – after the cut.