Strata: For the good of residents everywhere

Apologies for the delay between posts – I could rattle off excuses, but it would only result in the admission that I’m a bad blogger and a bad person – undeserving of your precocious loyalty. I will also apologise about the superfluous use of ‘wanker words’; I have been watching a lot of Louis Theroux today while listening to smooth jazz for my job and it seems to have put me in the mood.

If you have a complaint about my actions, I implore you to submit it – as that is what this blog is about and would give me additional content to post. But alas – instead, I will appropriate:

Today’s complaint comes from the prodigious website 27b/6 and its author David (creator of the *’fazzo’ Overdue Account Spider) who writes:

If I had a large backyard, I would probably have about a thousand dogs but as my apartment is very small, I cannot have any due to both the Strata agreement and the fact that they would need to be taken for walks every day and I am too lazy for that. There is a park across the road from us but the last time I went there I was offered money to provide a sexual act which was kind of flattering but I declined and told them that I was late for a meeting which was a lie as I think I just played Unreal Tournament the rest of that day.

I did have a goldfish named (posthumously) Stinky who lived in a vase with a plant and when he died I figured it would be nice to leave him there so that his body would break down and fertilise the plant but after a few weeks the smell was so bad I could not enter the apartment without a towel wrapped around my face. My first thought was to take him to work and hide him in my Bosses car but out of respect Seb and I gave him a vikings funeral instead.

*I actually heard someone use that word today… I stared at them dismayed for some time.

The complaint and resulting lulz – after the cut.

strataletter

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

 

Hilarious and wonderful. The only strata animal story I have, is that I lived in an apartment with strict rules on keeping animals, yet the building was mostly populated by gay men – so small dogs were plentiful. One of said man and dog moved in next door and the dog would bark endlessly.

I may have had one too many alcoholic ginger beers while enduring the barking one night and rather impulsively wrote an incredibly passive aggressive note regarding the dog, which I then stumbled into the hall to tape to their door. The dog was never heard again.

I have many regrets.

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