My Neighbour The Arsehole

Pen Wars is a friend to complaint makers, takers and finders alike and nowhere else will complaints in any entertaining form find their home.

This is why I couldn’t refuse Paul from Sydney, NSW when he  sent me a series of entries via our submit page

An Unreasonable Thing To Expect Ever Happening

An Unreasonable Thing To Expect Ever Happening

Neighbours are tricky. I’ve never had a neighbour I’ve gotten on with and I think it’s the Murphy’s Law of living anywhere there’s someone else close by. In fact I’ve had a number of neighbours that have made my life a living hell – but less about me.

It seems Paul has been holding these complaints about his neighbour for many years and thus I’m happy to show them here.

And so behind the cut – The Tales of Arthur the Arsehole

I have a neighbour and his name is “Arsehole” (his real name is Arthur but I am sure you will understand why we renamed him). We used to have a reasonably cordial relationship until one day when I decided to build a single bedroom extension on the front of the house.
Plans were drawn-up, application submitted to council, building notifications were put on display, notices sent to neighbours by council seeking objections resulting in all of the correct permissions after crossing the “t’s” and dotting the “i’s”. The six moth project then turned into 12 months because of weather and builders but eventually we go to the point of applying the last lick of paint. (The builders are another instalment for another day)
While at work, I get a phone call to say that my house is in the local newspaper and it was suggested that I should obtain a copy – Lo and behold, there on the front page was a photo of my house with “Arsehole” standing in front of it with his hands on his hips under the headlines “Illegal extension – It must be pulled down” – I dare say things didn’t improve until he eventually moved.
Footnote: I can only conclude that it was a case of “Extension envy” because mine was bigger than his

“Arseholes” pride and Joy was his Holden Kingswood and it was as well manicured as his front lawn. Well, “Arsehole” decided that his Kingswood needed a proper garage and drive way rather than the carport he was using so he built a new garage and driveway along the fence line to my property (totally blocking out the sun to my yard, but I no complain). Unbeknownst to me, there were a lot of rocks and rubble left over from the building of his driveway and it was hidden in the grass on my nature strip.
Anyway, I put my headphones on, turn-up the iPod and start mowing the nature strip in total oblivion however; I was brought back from oblivion by a ranting and raving, red faced and very angry “Arsehole” jumping up and down waving his arms in all directions – I have never seen him so off his head. I looked to where he was pointing to see that one of the rocks left over from his driveway was picked-up by the lawn mower and had gone straight through his windscreen. All I could think of was “Oh no, not the Kingswood” – Dare I say that good neighbour relations was dealt a heavy blow that day (not that there were any to start with)

I had a deciduous tree on my front lawn and it was a beautiful tree that every autumn rewarded us with a splendid pallet of autumn colours before eventually shedding all of it leaves. One fine autumn day while the family and I were outside marvelling at the magnificent colourful display, “Arsehole” came storming out of his house and abused us all because some of the leaves were falling on his precious lawn.
Our response to this was to forever more not mow our lawn or sweep-up the leaves preferring to leave them on the ground to be blown onto his lawn. From then on, every weekend we would grab the deck chairs and sit and watch “Arsehole” rake the leaves back onto our lawn where we leave them to gather only to be blown back onto “Arseholes” lawn only to be repeated again and again – Autumn was to become our favourite time of year.

I was watering my lawn one day (before the water shortage of course) and I noticed that it looked like rain so I went out to put the sprinkler away thinking it was not needed. As I was coiling the hose “Arsehole” came storming out of his house and started abusing me because my sprinkler over-sprayed onto his lawn and footpath.
Just then the heavens opened-up which resulting in my response being that he should take his complaints to the Big Boss in the sky” because his over-spray is much bigger than mine

Thanks Paul, a classic example of what happens when people have to live at all close to each other.

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3 Comments

Filed under Nowhere Else To Complain

3 responses to “My Neighbour The Arsehole

  1. Gr. I shall make my comment here, as I too am a lover of comments.

    I always seem to have neighbours who like to talk a lot.

    Make what you will of that, as I wouldn’t want to offend any of them.

    Oh… and I also had a neighbour in her mid fifties who used to have about 6 friends around each week to play POCOHONTAS and sing along to “Colours of the Wind”. Very creepy.

  2. Karl Smith

    Had a couple moved in next door a few months ago. As soon as he arrives home from work, she starts. She doesn’t draw breath for hours, I have never heard anything like it. Poor Bastard, and me.

  3. Pingback: How to Stop Wars with your Neighbour. | EveryTherapist

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